5 Things You Should Never Do on Dating Apps
The best teacher is often experience, and believe me when I say that I’ve run the gamut on making mistakes in dating — especially using dating apps. There’s no telling how many times I’ve embarrassed myself or shot myself in the foot by being an oaf. But, hey, mistakes are nothing more than learning experiences, right? And there are plenty of fish in the sea, especially on dating apps, so keep your head up.
On that token, why not learn from my mistakes so you don’t fall into the same patterns? If you don’t already, you should treat dating like any other performance activity. For example, I like to review my dating habits, analyze what works and what doesn’t, taking it very seriously.
With all that data, I’m about to share with you the top 5 mistakes I’ve made over the past 18 years of using dating apps. Yes, 18 years — all the way back to the glory days of eHarmony. I met my now ex-wife on one. That’s quite a story.
So, have a seat, take out a pencil, and let’s countdown from number 5!
5. Wasting Too Much Time
One of the biggest reasons people delete dating apps, is because they feel like it takes up too much of their time. If you’re the type of person who gets addicted easily to scrolling social media, chances are you’ll be addicted to checking a dating app for updates as well.
All I can say to you is, “Get a hold of yourself!” For the love of God, if you don’t have a job or a pursuit outside of a dating app, you shouldn’t be on them in the first place. Instead, delete the app, start reading my 50 Rules of Rizz, and find something you’re passionate about in life — then do it with all your might.
You should be so preoccupied with doing more important things that you forget about the dating app. If you’re making millions, go help some kids. If you’re broke, start hustling more. Don’t have any hobbies? Join a few meetups, take some dance lessons, learn to play golf. Do anything besides sitting around scrolling through endless dating profiles.
1. Endless swiping doesn’t actually help your chances of finding someone yet increases your chances of getting burned out and deleting the app.
2. Apps and notifications have been proven to create addiction through dopamine responses.
What’s the solution? It’s simple:
Turn your notifications off and create an “App Time,” which is simply a specific time of day, ideally early in the morning (when your dopamine and adrenal levels are fresh), where you set aside 5 to 10 minutes to indulge in swiping, responding to messages, or updating your profile. Treat it like a business. Be productive, then get on with the amazing life you’re building!
4. Saying Too Much
One thing I’ve noticed through trial and error is that talking too much, whether it’s through a looooong drawn-out profile or blabbing on and on as soon as you start communicating, can come off as needy to women.
Do women enjoy deep conversation? Most of them do, yes. But do they want to know everything there is to know about you, a perfect stranger, from your profile or the first 5 messages they receive from you? Absolutely, not.
There will be plenty of time to go deep in conversation when the time is right for that. Chatting on an app is not the right time. Keep in mind that you’re marketing yourself (genuinely), not writing an autobiography. Also, understand that a woman takes time to warm up to a new person — she needs proof and trust that you’re not as crazy as the last guy(s).
What you reveal on a dating app should be concise, relevant, and attractive.
There’s nothing to fear by saying less. The best dates and relationships I’ve experienced through online dating have come from persistent women — despite my reduced, somewhat aloof communication.
Most recently, I dated a beautiful woman 18 years younger than me who swiped right on me using Hinge. Honestly, we might not have made it to the first date had she not reached out to me to ask if I was actually interested in going on a date, or calling her. She said she was “surprised I hadn’t asked to call her yet.” I replied, “Yes, of course. If that’s what you want, lets talk. I’d love to.”
1. Your only priority is to build enough rapport with a match to warrant meeting them in person.
2. There is much, much more to attraction than “knowing” or “divulging” information — everyone looks good on paper.
3. Responding And Moving Too Quickly
I know how difficult this one can be for some guys, especially when you feel the excitement of a new match. If she’s remotely attractive in her photos, your mind immediately goes to “this could be the one!” Then you rush to communicate.
Worse, you read her profile and you learn that she hates small-talk and wants a guy who leads and plans all the details of a fun date. Then suddenly you’re thinking, “Oh that’s me!” So you send her a message with “Meet me at Top Golf at 7 pm tomorrow. Please confirm.” And you wonder why the next time you log onto the app she’s unmatched with you.
She wasn’t lying to you. But there’s a process to all this. She wants deep conversation and a man who takes charge AFTER she’s had at least a chance to know you’re not a serial killer.
You need to step back, take a chill pill, and slow it down. Even if you’re a handsome 12 out of 10 guy who can respond whenever and however he wants, the message you’re actually sending her (no matter what you say) is that you’re desperate and needy.
No, I’m not advocating for insincerity. By all means, talk to the woman, but do it from a place of calmness and confidence, not immediacy. We’re in the 2020s now. She has guys stumbling over each other for her attention. Set yourself apart, and show her you’re a strong pillar for her from the very beginning.
1. If you’re really that tempted and excited, put the phone down and walk away. Distract yourself until its “App Time” (which I talk about below).
2. When it’s App Time, ask yourself if she meets your criteria, first and foremost (For example, do you have similar values based on her profile; do you find her attractive; does she present any red flags?).
3. If you decide you still want to talk to her, (Notice what I said there… If YOU decide you want to speak to her) then your first message should create a sense of mystery (I discuss this more below).
2. Being Wishy-Washy About Your Intentions
Desire has a sneaky way of convincing you to change your values. And if anyone can smell a fraud, it’s a woman. They’re like sharks, fellas. They smell your hesitation from a mile away.
It doesn’t really matter what you want out of a mate or out of a relationship. What matters more is that you’re honest with your intention. If you’re not open to something casual, say so. If that’s all you want, say so. Because the minute you become wishy-washy about your intent is the moment you lose your edge in dating.
Don’t ride the middle ground. In the end, it shows you’re a weak, double-minded man. More often than not, these men never get what they want because they can’t make up their minds about who they are.
And here’s one last word of wisdom on this topic that you need to hear, like it or not.
You can use all these tips and tricks for good or for evil. That’s up to you. But the last thing I advocate for is casual sex or manipulation. Neither will satisfy you the way commitment, love, and respect do.
1. You’re Not Mysterious Enough
Fellas, why do you think women love crime documentaries? Well, aside from trying to pick up on tips for spotting psychos. Yep, you guessed it. They love a good mystery.
Women want a challenge. They want a man that they feel a sexual (gender) disparity with. If you’re talking to her like she’s already on a pedestal because she’s posting a bunch of sexy photos on some yacht off the coast of the Italian Riveria, then you’ve lost the game. She’s already looking down on you.
Women post those photos because they are testing you. It’s their way of applying a filter to the men who contact them. They’re doing their best to paint a picture of their perceived value and worth (even if it’s superficial and fake).
The question for you is: are you going to fall in with the simpletons that adore someone like that, or are you going to create a profile (or better yet a life) that a truly high-value woman (not a clout-whore) will swipe right on?
Write this down and live by it: “Beautiful women are a dime a dozen.”
1. Stop believing the lie that women are trying to sell. Everyone’s shit stinks, especially the hottie on the boat.
2. Create a sense of mystery, adventure, and purpose in your life that is projected in your profile. Never be misleading with pictures, but always present your best self and never over-extend yourself or your persona.
3. When beginning communication, always be pleasant, respectful, and give an excuse for why you can’t speak until later. (More on this below 👇)
Bonus Tip: Creating Anticipation Through Communication
One of the most consistent ways I’ve found success through dating app communication is with this simple message after a match:
“High Brooke, thanks for the match. I was just about to head out the door to meet friends for (dancing, work, golf…etc.). Let’s chat later?”
This does two things for you:
- Makes you look like a busy, active person
- Validates that you have a social circle, purpose, or hobby (very important for a woman to see)
- Creates a sense of mystery and anticipation about the next interaction the two of you will have
In addition, it sets you up for something to talk about later. You can use a version of this line in future conversations with your match. It’s a great way to leave a conversation on a high note (remember, don’t talk too much), and build excitement for the next time you communicate.
I hope you’ve benefited from these 5 dating app no-nos. Let me know in the comments what you’ve learned from online dating.
