5 Cognitive Biases That Are Affecting Your Rizz
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve nixed something because of a perception I had long before it ever revealed itself to be true or not. Or how many times I’ve sabotaged a good thing on account of focusing too much on the fear of the outcome. There’s no telling how many good opportunities that have come and gone.
Overtime, I’ve come to learn more about these mistakes and learn from them.
You should, too.
In the pursuit of knowing one’s self, the study of biases is an important place to land for a bit of reflection and growth. We all have them to some degree or another.
The more self-aware you become of these, the fewer mistakes you’ll make.
What Is a Cognitive Bias?
Simply put, biases are like lenses we view the world through. They can be explicit, implicit, cognitive, or emotional — like an inherent mode of thinking that affects our judgement. It creates a subjective reality that isn’t always true – even if you believe it to be true.
But let’s not get lost in the science of it all.
Just understand that biases convince us that our perception of what’s going on around us can be trusted, no matter if it deviates from what’s actually happening or what would be good for us.
For example, there’s a big chance that a bias has recently influenced you with one or more of these common decisions:
- Deleting a dating app for the thousandth time
- Evaluating or filtering the options you see on your dating apps based on what you perceive as your “type”
- The quality of the conversation you have with someone new
- Emphasizing how many times you see your ex after a breakup
- How clingy you become in a relationship
- How needy and simpish you gush over women
- How good or bad you feel after a first date
The list could go on and on — from thoughts on racism to how we perceive attraction.
These thoughts and feelings are not inherently bad or good. In fact, our biases are not always wrong, either.
But they can be.
And for that reason, it’s worth studying them and learning about your own biases to avoid making bad decisions based on them.
It is impossible to rid yourself of them. But you can decrease their impact on your Rizz game by becoming aware of them.
1. Recency Bias
Recency bias is a doozy. I see it more than any of the other biases when I interact with women.
Think of it this way, how many dates do you think the average single woman has in a month? Chances are a lot. It doesn’t take much for a decent girl to get attention these days.
Even if she went on 1 or 2 dates this month, or the past 3 months, who do you think she’s most likely going to compare you to?
Extend that to her recent “situationship” or boyfriend, or husband. Women enter the dating market with a myriad of “recent” histories.
They could have been jerks, nice guys, boring, rude, tall and handsome, rich, fat, skinny, or anything you can imagine. You have no idea what the last guy was like for her.
And to be fair, you do the same thing — giving more weight to recent interactions than is necessary, mainly because they are fresh on your mind and emotions.
The imprint of our most recent interactions can linger long.
Hell, most of us are carrying around scars from years and years ago, much less last month.
But, therein lies the danger of recency bias. We tend to cast prospects in the same shadow of our most recent experiences, which can affect how we interact with someone new in an overly positive or negative way.
For example, if you’ve been on a string of losing interactions with women, you may cast that shadow over the next woman You meet. Unfortunately for you, it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I discuss this more in Rizz Rule # : The Backwards Law.
Sure, dating gets difficult when you run through more losers than winners. It especially gets hard when the one you thought was a winner somehow gets away.
To overcome applying recency bias to our new interactions, recall a larger subset of the people you’ve dated. Not everyone was a dud, even if it didn’t work out.
Likewise, high expectations from recent dates can lead to let downs.
Keep your expectations and forecasts realistic and give each new opportunity a fair chance. Learn to reset quickly and focus on the process.
2. Confirmation Bias
Confirmation bias is another big elephant in the living room. It leads us to recall and interpret information based on our existing beliefs.
How many times have you been dating a beautiful woman you thought might be considering other men? This belief probably led you to lower self-esteem or jealousy, which often manifests as neediness and control in a relationship.
Or, if you only focus on someone’s negative traits, you come to believe they’re flawed.
We all have hundreds of these negative thoughts and beliefs that limit our opportunities. Chances are you’ve swiped left on someone, or walked away from an opportunity to meet, because of some random confirmation bias.
We all want to be right. Call it ego. And confirmation plays right into this weakness we have.
Sure, intuition is a gift when it really works. But it isn’t always accurate.
The more you’re aware of this, the more you’ll realize your existing perceptions of someone’s personality are not always true.
The goal is to be open. Be open to receiving information UNTIL you can confidently make a decision based on hard evidence, not an inclination or whimsical bias.
3. Halo Effect
High expectations are like rose-colored glasses. We all want to be optimistic about a prospect with someone new.
But, sometimes, those glasses are a little too rosey.
More often than not, we focus on the positive traits in someone, allowing them to overshadow the greater sum of all the parts:
Guys can be handsome and tall and dark-haired and drive a fast car, but they can also sport unhealthy attachment habits, manipulative behavior, or narcissistic tendencies.
That’s just one of a million examples.
On the same token, women can have all the looks and followers in the world but lack the personality, loyalty, or care to make for a good relationship.
It’s all in what you’re willing to overlook. If she’s wearing a halo, chances are you put it there.
I never advocate for putting women on a pedestal.
Sure, honor them. Show them respect as you would any other human. But don’t put them on a pedestal.
Ever.
You lose the game the moment you do. Remember, you own the pedestal. The moment you put her on it, she’ll be looking down on you.
And that ain’t her fault, buddy.
Never fall prey to idealization nor idolization. It never ends well.
4. False Consensus Effect
This one gets me every time. I tend to project my values, attitudes, and behaviors onto perfect strangers.
Call it wishful thinking maybe?
Oh! Look at that beautiful woman there! She’s probably into salsa dancing, too! Hey, she probably loves hiking, and Jesus, too!
Not so fast, big guy.
It doesn’t matter what your values are, the odds are not always in your favor of finding someone so similar.
That’s the False Consensus Effect:
We tend to assume others have similar qualities, which leads to misjudgments in compatibility. The end is disappointment.
Even if you do find someone with similar values and behaviors, she’s still an individual.
You’re much better off expecting at least some differences in others.
Common values are needed, sure. To that end, take this better approach:
1. Identify your core values and behaviors.
2. Decide whether or not it’s necessary for someone to share them with you.
3. Then, apply that filter based on where you spend your time.
If you aren’t running into women with those qualities, move around!
Regardless, set your expectations low, and your standards high.
5. Loss Aversion
This is a killer. Absolute killer.
If you don’t know what it’s like to lose someone you loved, you need to. Yes, I know. It’s painful — it sucks. But just like every other painful experience in life, you need to go through it to get stronger.
Loss aversion, in my opinion, is like the timid/traumatized sibling to scarcity bias. When resources are scarce, we tend to “hoard” them for protection.
Why?
Because we are afraid to lose them. Plain and simple. This bias typically affects men and women after a loss. Maybe it develops in childhood from having an absent parent. Who knows. I’m not a psychiatrist.
But rest assured, it’s a rizz killer for two reasons:
- The pain of your last heartbreak makes you more risk-averse.
- You see the world through a lens of fear and uncertainty rather than opportunity.
This one is near and dear to my heart and takes a lot of effort to overcome.
Pain sucks. Heartbreak is real. But like I always say, it’s good for you in the end, because men are made, not born.
It was the best thing that ever happened to you. Repeat that to yourself, then start taking steps towards taking risks again.
Did you know that 63% of men use dates to better themselves? It’s true.
So, get back in the game, pull yourself together, and expose yourself to opportunity.
It’s the only way forward.
That’s it for today, fellas.
Study these. Come back to them. Print them out and remind yourself of them.
Keep that mirror in front of your face — all day every day.
